Posted in family, momlife, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

Which Mom are You?

When we’re young we all think of the mom were going to be. When you picture yourself having kids, what do you see? For me I always imagined walking down the sidewalk with my daughter, picking flowers, matching outfits. We’d play toys together, make cute Pinterest crafts, read books, make health snacks. My kids would spend most of their time playing outside than on screens and I would still have time to be the same me. (spoiler- a lot of those didn’t happen.)

I’m sure at some point all of us have said or thought the phrase “I would never be like that when I’m a parent.” Let’s all laugh together. The thing is, you never know what kind of parent you will be until you are actually a parent. There are a lot of factors that contribute to who you are as a parent.

The era/generation you live in impacts what type of parent you will be for sure. I became a parent when technology really boomed, so it’s no surprise that I find a lot of parenting tools in iPad apps (ABC mouse) and Netflix shows (Word Party). There is also a lot of hype in anti-vac and gluten free lifestyles now-a-days that weren’t really thought about 20-30 years ago.

Who you had as parents shapes who you will be as well. A lot of times you tend to morph into your parents. Have you ever said that you would NEVER do something that your parents did when you have your own children, then 15 years down the road you catch yourself saying the EXACT same thing they once said to you. Circle of life my friends. This one can work the exact opposite as well. Having a very strict upbringing could cause someone to be very lax and open with their own children.

What type of children you have can also shape your parenting style. What do I mean by that? For ME PERSONALLY- having two children on the spectrum changed the way I raised my children dramatically. My children have trouble listening/comprehending and difficulty processing emotions. I’ve had a very difficult time sitting down and reading books with them, being able to enforce rules, even sitting down to play with my children-something so natural- is usually a no-go.

Who you are as a person is probably the biggest thing, and the most predictable. If you are a generally health person, hands down your kids will reflect that. Someone who eats extremely healthy will try and instill that on their own children. If you had anger issues before children, seeing a whole poop diaper smeared into the carpet probably won’t make your anger issues better. If you’re a type A person, odds are you will be a type A parent. Of course, this isn’t true for everyone either. As I said before, you never know the type of parent you will be UNTIL you are a parent.

For fun, I thought of some “Mom types” and decided to turn myself into some and write their bios.

Sandra, 42
Been there, done that Mom. She is the veteran mom, the wise owl, the unshockable. She’s lived through everything. She’s cleaned poop out of places you would think is impossible, her children have had a total of 6 broken bones, she can handle the chickenpox with her eyes closed. Sandra is the friend you go to when you have the most random parenting question, which she will answer without hesitation and never judges. Her house is always filled with the best snacks….and wine

Kaylynn, 28
Crunchy mom. Organic, gluten free, dairy free type mom. Her favorite past time is going to Whole Foods. She’s an antivaxxer and loves to let you know by posting 4 antivaxx links a day on her facebook. Her three children all sleep with her in bed, forcing her husband to sleep in the guest room. Her bake sale specialty is flourless muffins. She always gives advice when not asked and openly judges all of your “toxic” lifestyle choices. 

Cathy, 35
Sideline mom. She has four boys and can be found screaming on the sidelines of her children’s sporting events no matter the season. Cathy is not afraid to speak her mind. Her go-to saying is “Get your eyes checked ref!!!” Everything in her house is sticky. She’s lost the will to clean up after disgusting boys all day. Despite her usually serious attitude, she’s actually a pretty good time. Her usual drink of choice is a Miller Lite but loves her cosmos on girl’s night. 

Bethanny, 31

Type A mom.
You can set your watch by her family’s routine. Bethanny runs the house and everyone knows it. There is never a shoe out of place, but lord help us if there is. The calendar on the fridge is color coded and filled to the max. Her husband, James, doesn’t really care for schedules but it’s not worth the fight. He does love the morning smoothies she makes him every day though. She’s a stay at home mom but is almost always dressed in business casual. Her children fear her, her neighbors respect her, and the school faculty hate her. She doesn’t have many friends and isn’t sure why. Also, don’t call her Beth. She f***ing hates it. 

Katie, 27
The relaxed mom. Katie doesn’t mind messes, she’s not dirty, but her house generally looks like children DO live there. I mean, DUH. She makes plans and schedules, but doesn’t really blink when they get messed up. She’s usually pretty relaxed and easy going, but don’t test her because she WILL lose her shit on you. She disciplines her kids but also can get too persuaded by their emotions. Sometimes it’s just easier to give them the cookie, right? After homework is done she really doesn’t care what her kids do. There are no ipad or TV limits in her house. She makes the best friend because she is very laid back, doesn’t judge, and makes a killer taco dip.

Meadow, 25
Hippie mom. She shares a lot of characteristics with the crunchy mom. She is a vegan and there’s not a thing in her fridge that is not organic. Meadow is a child of the Earth. Her children spend most of their times outside and barefoot. She is a firm believer that you learn so much more from experiences than you do in school. She homeschools her children and the backyard is their classroom. She considers herself a “Free-range” parent. She lets her children make their own decisions so they can learn from the power of their free will. Whatever that means. She has a lot of friends, probably because she makes good weed brownies. 

Brittany, 31
Pinterest Mom. The title says it all. Her Pinterest account has over 50,000 pins in all categories. Recipes, school lunch ideas, DIY projects, party themes, outfits, nursery decor. Think of a category, and she’s pinned something for it. Unlike the rest of the world, she pins things and ACTUALLY DOES THEM. The audacity. She wets herself when she gets invited to a potluck or when her children’s school is having a bake sale so she can use her newest pin. When most of us try projects we got off Pinterest they turn out disastrous, not Brittany. She was born crafty, and hits her DIY out of the park every time. She is one of the most popular friends and loves when they ask her to make something for them!

Katrina, 19
The Newbie. Matching mother-child outfits, hair and makeup done every morning, really shooting for the “perfect mom persona.” She’s a first time mom and it is completely obvious. The girl that’s always in the Facebook mom group asking “What do you think this rash is?” or “My son fell and hit his head, should I take him to the ER?” She is just so unsure of herself, and that’s NOT A BAD THING! She just wants to be a good mom, and doesn’t want to make any mistake. The thing she needs to learn is that making mistakes is what makes us a mom. She has a TON of friends, but she’s the only one with a kid so far. She tries to make friends with veteran moms at the playground, but doesn’t know how to connect with them yet.

Tammy, 36
The Everywhere Mom. Classroom mom? That’s her. PTA? She’s on it. Soccer team needs snacks? She’s got it. She’s a stay at home mom and her kids are everything to her. If there is anything to do, she’s got it. Same can be said for her friendships. People don’t understand how she has the time or the energy to do the things she does. She makes it seems so effortless. Though she’d never show it, Her energy tank is on zero. She averages about 4-5 hours a sleep a night, usually because she’s up baking cookies for something. If you’re looking for a dependable friend, Tammy’s got your back!

Melissa, 31
The princess mom. Her husband is a CEO and makes more than enough money, so Melissa can stay home to focus on the children. The problem is, she’s not exactly the maternal type. Needless to say, the kids are wild and spoiled. Melissa spends most of her days getting her nails done and shopping with friends. She is never seen less than perfect. She knows all the town gossip. She has very high standards for all things in life, including friendships. Probably why she doesn’t have many girl friends.  Her children have straight A’s in school and are fluent in Spanish; thanks to the nanny, Maria.

Posted in family, momlife, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

Mommy Remixes

My life, as you may know by now, is very isolated. I spend most of my day inside the house with children. Things are bound to get a little loopy, right? One thing I like to do is sing. Before I go any further, let’s be clear- I like to sing, but I CAN’T sing. I am horrible. However, singing helps with my anxiety, it lightens the mood, it fills empty silence, and sometimes it makes my kids laugh! One thing I like to do is change lyrics to songs and make it my own. If I sing a remix to a song from one of Camille’s favorite movies she recognizes it immediately. I’m sure you won’t be impressed, but here they are…


Semisonic- Closing time

Closing time.
One last call for sippy cups, so finish your water or milk
Closing time.
You don’t have to go to sleep just get the hell away frooooom me.



(Real version)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGytDsqkQY8


Moana- Where You Are

Camille.
Get uuuuuuup. Get uuuuup.
Camille it’s time for you to get up and take brother to schoooooool. 


(Real version)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVzDrqOmYiY


Dr Dre/Eminem- Forgot About Dre

When the cops came through me and eli stood next to a broken down fort.
With a hand full of blankets. Hand full of chairs. Still wouldn’t find out. 



(Real version)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFcv5Ma8u8k


Queen- Bohemian Rhapsody

Maaaamaaaaaa
Just lost her shit
Threw out all her kids junk,
Drank some wine and now she’s drunk. 
Maaaaamaaaaa
Your kids day had just begun
But now you’ve gone sent them to their rooms. 
Maaamaaaa ooh ooh
Didn’t mean to make you mad
If this shit isn’t picked up by tomorrow,
You’re kicked ouuuut. You’re kicked out.



(Real Version)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ9rUzIMcZQ


Spice Girls-Wannabe

If ya wanna be my daughter,
Ya gotta clean up your room. 
I know it won’t last forever,
The bullshit never eeeeeends!


(Real version)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJLIiF15wjQ


Carly Rae Jepson- Call Me Maybe

Hey I just birthed you
And this is crazy 
But here’s my nipple
So shred it, maybe!



(Real version)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWNaR-rxAic


Lou Bega- Mambo no. 5

1,2,3,4,5
Everybody in the carseats 
So come on lets ride
To the ice cream shop around the corner
My kids really want a couple cones
But I really don’t wanna
Hungover from my wine last night
Sunglasses on my face cuz the sun is bright
I got Eli, Camille, Avery, and Kenzie
And as I continue you know they’re getting crazy.



(Real version)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EK_LN3XEcnw


Michael Jackson- Beat it

I told you don’t you ever come around me
Don’t wanna see your drawing, you really need to flee 
There’s crazy in their eyes, I gotta get free
So ditch em, just ditch em.
You better run, you better leave while you can,
Dad just got in the door, kids think he’s superman.
Don’t try to pretend, better leave while you can.
So ditch em, but you wanna be nice.
Just ditch em.



(Real version)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRdxUFDoQe0


ABBA- Dancing Queen

You are the pooping queen
Young and gross
It’s only 9:15
Pooping queen
Feel the heat from the bath, get clean ooooh yeah.
You can poop
You can fart
Having the time of your life
Ooooh, see that girl
Smell that smell
Dig in the pooping queen.



(Real version)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFrGuyw1V8s


Pharrell Williams- Happy

Because I’m tiiiiiiired
Clap along if you feel like you need some more coffee
Because I’m tiiiiiiiiired.
Clap along if you feel like you wanna go back to bed
Because I’m tiiiiiiiired.
Clap along if you feel like thats what you wanna do.



(Real version)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbZSe6N_BXs