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Finding Friends

Posted on by Mom Boss

I am a self-described introvert; I dread going out and meeting new people and socializing. When you have a kid you have to suck it up sometimes to open up possibilities for friends/playdates. Setting up playdates for your kids is easy when you live near your own family and friends; it gets slightly more difficult being in a new state/city and not knowing anyone.

I always think I should put myself out there and ask people to meet up for playdates, but I have a lot of fears about it. My first fear is judgment; that I may be judged on my personality, my parenting skills, my child’s delay, his behavior, his tantrums, and basically anything. I also have an irrational fear that my son may never find a kid he can truly be good friends with. Will we find a family that understands his tantrums and stays patient through them? Will we find another child who doesn’t care if Eli can’t talk, or even the fact that he acts a little different from them? Finding playdates for us is hard because if we get someone who doesn’t understand Eli or our whole situation it will just end with Eli and I with bruised egos. I always hear parents say “oh my child plays with everyone; she’s very friendly.” I’m sure she is, but will she still be when Eli isn’t sharing and crying and screaming most of the time?

Yesterday I realized one good way to spot a better playdate is to not get kids in Eli’s actual age range, but to go with his mental age range. Because of his delays, Eli is more accurately around age 2 rather than his actual age (3). So if we set up playdates with younger children, Eli will fit in more and the children won’t notice his differences. Most importantly, the kids will be able to play better on an even playing field. My hope is that when we start his developmental preschool in August that finding friends will become a lot easier for Eli. It can be a lonely world for those who don’t fit it, I just want Eli to have the best childhood he can possibly have.

 

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Getting Organized

Posted on by Mom Boss

I am NOT an organized person at all. It takes me days to put away clean laundry. I keep overfilling the trash can until my husband notices and takes it out to the dumpster. My worst flaw is leaving paperwork all throughout the house. My Son is in 22 hours of therapy a week now, is involved with the special education program at our local school and sees a developmental pediatrician along with his primary physician. how can I tell my ass from my elbow if I keep paperwork thrown around the house? How will I remember if today is his doctor’s appointment or speech/OT? Because my husband works, this is all on me; it is up to me to keep all of this stuff straight. I became an organized soccer mom.

I bought a monthly dry erase calendar that has all of our appointments and my husband’s work schedule for the month. A basic overview of what we have each day and helps so much when calling to schedule new appoints so I don’t double book us. I glance at the calendar to check what we have going on for the week and when is a good day to throw a stew in the crock pot or when I have time to make a big dinner.

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I also have a chalkboard to use as our daily calendar. This lists exactly what we’re doing and where we’re going for the whole day. Eli is in ABA therapy (in-home) Monday-Friday 8am-12pm. Most of the time we are at home learning basic skills and working on behavior, but it is also very important to get outside or to be around other children. Having this daily schedule helps me switch it up and make sure we’re not doing too much of the same thing, but also keeps us on a schedule which (usually) helps keep Eli calmer and help lessen his temper tantrums. I want to make this daily schedule more for Eli and I both. Since he can’t read I am working on making it a PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System) calendar. That way Eli can see actual pictures of things and places in our home AND out in town that we will be doing for the day.

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My last organization tool, I can’t take credit for. One of our military resources is a group on base called the Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP). They offer so much advice, resources, and tools to help families with members with any medical disabilities. One tool I got from them was an organization binder. It has sections for anything anyone with a family member diagnosed with autism would need; medical history, birth information, doctor notes, referrals, therapy information, school information, IEPs. This booklet goes with you to all your appointments and holds everything you would possibly need.

Eli and I have a full time schedule and it get’s very overwhelming and confusing and these three tools have been lifesavers for me. Sure, my laundry has still been washed and folded and sitting in a basket for two days now, but when it comes to Eli, I am completely organized.

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Runners

Posted on by Mom Boss

How do you tame a child who has their hearts set on running away like a maniac? How do you ward off the judgmental stares from bystanders? How do you keep track of your child while still letting them be a free kid and not a prisoner? Who the hell knows…but I can tell you what I try to do.

My son recently started running and it has been very annoying. He got lost in Target and they had to call a missing child code, he ran away from both my husband AND myself in Walmart, he ran away from his developmental pediatrician while walking to his exam room. It’s happening more and more often.  I’m really not sure what makes kids want to run like this. In my opinion for Eli, he thinks it’s a game. He laughs the whole time, especially when we’re chasing him. Because of his delays or diagnosis, he doesn’t pick up on social cues or voice tones very well. For example, when he is running away and we’re yelling “STOP!” he still doesn’t see it as a serious situation. I can tell Eli not to run, stay right here, or hold my hand until I am blue in the face but that little turd is going to run regardless.

My favorite part about these situations is the people standing around judging us. The people silently thinking “Their kid needs to be disciplined.” OK, lady, maybe you’re right. Come on over to my house and show me how to discipline my child so he doesn’t run away. After all, I’m sure you know better than not only the child’s mother but his 3 ABA therapists, two speech therapists, and his developmental pediatrician.  My kid is a runner and will most likely be a runner for a long time. And the truth really is, these people watching you in your weak moments have NO idea your child has special needs or whatever your situation is.  Does that make it easier when they stare? No, it doesn’t, but the only thing we can do is ignore them and just know that not everyone is going to understand or sympathize with what you’re going through.

Now, how do we keep our kids from running so they’re not the next asshole to jump into a gorilla cage? The only sure way to keep your kids from running away is keeping them in a stroller or putting on one of those cute/embarrassing monkey backpack leashes. This would completely ensure that your child doesn’t run away, but it also limits your child and what they get to experience. When your child gets older they need to be more independent, they should be walking and running and jumping. They should get to pick out their own toy at the store or walk up to an exhibit at the zoo. What I am doing to be proactive with Eli’s running is preparing for what happens when he does run. I’m ordering a name plate to lace into his shoe laces so if Eli gets lost, someone can see his name, my phone number, and our address. I am also looking into a GPS tracker that I can hook onto him when were out that I can track with my phone to help me locate him. I don’t want to restrain my son and keep him from experiencing and enjoying life. Let them be young and free. But keep watching them like a freaking hawk though.

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Keeping them busy, Keeping you Sane.

Posted on by Mom Boss

I am a stay at home mother and because my husband is active duty military I find myself often being a “single mother”. I love my son, but boy are there days I’m ready to pull my hair out. For a while we lived in Arizona where it was often times too hot to go outside so we would be trapped in the house day in, day out. And quite the opposite, we lived in Michigan where times during the winter months it was too cold to go outside. Staying inside all day with a hyper toddler is enough to make any sane person crazy.

When you are trapped inside a lot with kids one good thing to try are Pinterest activities. I can get lost on Pinterest for hours looking up recipes, crafts, and activities. Some of my favorites are: DIY matchbox car racetracks and cardboard box tunnels, Kid friendly Christmas tree, homemade car wash, and pompom games.

box cars
car wash
pom pom
xmas tree

I’m not the most creative mom but I do think of fun things that my son would be interested in. My son is a huge snow bunny; he loves playing in the snow until his fingers are frozen; but sometimes its too cold for him to play outside. The solution? I bring the snow inside! I fill a big roasting pan full of snow and fill small squirt bottles full of water/food coloring and let Eli paint snow. Most mothers know the struggle of trying to cook dinner in peace. When I am cooking with 3 different pans on the stove and something in the oven my son is all over the kitchen in my way. I started filling a bowl with whatever I have in the cupboards (flour, sugar, brown sugar, etc) and giving him measuring spoons/cups and an extra empty bowl and letting him measure and pour while I have an open workspace to cook. There are also the classic go-to’s: painting, coloring, play-doh, etc.

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All of those are nice but when you can, GET OUT! I am so glad we moved to San Diego because there are a MILLION things to do for Eli here. If you’re like me, you’re on a budget. Being a one income family means we need to budget! Budget! Budget! I look for anything that’s free, has cheap memberships, or offer military discounts. Here in SD all the museums have a “resident free admission” day of the month. The children’s museum also allows for free admission to military families Memorial Day through Labor Day. Make sure to find every opportunity in your area. I am always looking for new activities to do or new parks to visit. Plus being out gets them up and active in fresh air, and gets them playing and socializing with other kids.

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Mom Shaming

Posted on by Mom Boss

A couple days ago the Cincinnati, OH zoo had to kill a near-extinct gorilla after a boy fell into the enclosure. Because it is 2016, there were tons of videos posted of the event on social media which sparked a million different theories and opinions about what happened. Most people think the mother was at fault. Now, I didn’t read a whole lot about the story because it makes me sick thinking about it. Sure, the mother could be at fault; she could have been not paying attention of her children and letting them run where ever they want. We’re any of us there? Only those who were at the zoo that day really know what happened and who is at fault (or no one at all.) However, when I saw how horrible everyone was being towards the mother, I instantly defended her.

I felt the need to defend this mother because that could easily have been my child in with that gorilla. Any parent, especially those raising special needs children, know that anything can happen; it only takes a second for something to happen to a child. Take for instance child kidnapping cases, a mother turns her back in the grocery store to check out the sale on green beans and {POOF} a stranger has taken her child and is halfway to his car before she notices. Or a mother takes a quick shower while her baby is still napping, comes out to find the child not in bed, but went downstairs, opened the front door, and is standing on the front porch. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. Things happen to my child all the time. A few weeks ago we were in Target shopping for toys and the next thing I knew Eli was 10 isles away and by the time I got there he was gone completely. I ended up having to flag down a worker to call a missing child code. If that were to get on social media strangers who had never met me before I’m sure would be calling me a horrible mother for not watching my child. What about the other day when my child was upstairs in his meltdown corner and came out choking because in the 2 minutes he was in there (with his therapist on the other side of the curtain) he swallowed a nail and had to spend a night in the hospital. I’m sure I would be a bad mother here too because my son pulled a nail out of the wall of his meltdown space.

I was defending that mother because the only people who show compassion for parent’s in situations like this are those of us who have been through something like this. I don’t judge other mothers and what they go through because I know I either HAVE or WILL go through it. I know how hard it can be or how even though you are doing your best and doing everything right ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. I think our world, as a whole, needs to show a little more compassion for each other because we don’t know what we are all going through.

And as a disclaimer- yes, the mother MAY have been in the wrong, again, I didn’t read every story out there. I’m just saying my initial reaction was to defend that mother as I would hope other’s would do for me if I was in the situation.

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How video games are helping my Son

Posted on by Mom Boss

In today’s day and age kids are obsessed with technology. It’s all about social media, tv, movies, and video games. Kids these days enjoy virtual reality better than actual reality. As much as my generation is big into technology as well, it is quite the reality check when I say “Back in my day…we rode our bikes to the playground just to see who was there to play with” Nowadays kids tweet, text, or FaceTime their friends to meet up or talk. The most we had back then was MSN messenger that we had to sneak on the computer late at night to talk to our friends. Studies show how playing too many video games or watching too much tv is bad for kids, and for the most part I do agree. Kids should be outside in the fresh air getting exercise and enjoying life, not watching Inside Out for the 76th time. However, in my son’s case, video games are actually helping his development.

Along with his autism and speech delay, he has a slight fine motor skills delay. He has trouble riding a bike because he can’t hold on to the handle bars and move his feet to push the pedals at the same time. He can color with crayons but can’t draw certain shapes or any form of a letter. The biggest thing we’ve noticed is his finger functions. They all work correctly, but when it comes to signing he has a lot of problems completing signs that have finger motions. The only finger he can correctly use independently is his index finger; he has trouble even giving a thumbs up.

For my husband’s birthday we got the family a Wii U. From the second we set it up Eli was obsessed. we didn’t think he would be able to do it because of the hand and finger use required to use the controller (the wii U doesn’t use the normal wii remote, it comes with a hand held remote that looks like most video game controllers, picture in my above image.) We put in Mario Kart and taught eli the buttons used. It has been about a month and Eli can make it through three full laps of a Mario Kart race. He can use his right hand to hold down the gas pedal button at the same time he uses his left hand to move the car in side to side motions. He also started to use the button on the back of the controller to push out his weapons (bananas, shells, etc) at the same time he is also using the other fingers to drive the car. It is amazing what this video game did for his finger function. We still limit his video game use, and game time is rewarded by certain tasks or words/signs he uses. But I must say, I am thankful for this video game and what it is doing to help my son.

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ASL- my life saver

Posted on by Mom Boss

Raising a non-verbal child is difficult to say the least. Sure, when you’re with a kid all day you learn to understand their wants and needs through their baby babble but a lot of times I’m just sitting there staring at my son thinking, “I have no idea what the F you just said…”

When Eli was a year and a half, his speech therapist suggested I try sign language and she gave me a beginning sign language notebook and some sign language DVDs. We watched the DVDs but the only thing that interested Eli was this weird sock monkey guy that popped up and did silly things; as soon as he was off screen he instantly lost interest. I tried a couple of signs but Eli didn’t really take it from me. Then he went into daycare and they taught him and all the other kids the signs for “Please” and “All done” and from there his sign language took off. As soon as he got those first two signs down I went back to my sign language folder and found more basics. Our therapist wanted to shoot for at least two new signs a month. Now at three years old my son can only verbally say about 4 words, but he can sign over 20. He picks up signs almost instantly now. He does have some fine motor delays so we have to steer away from signs that use a lot of finger motions, but so far he’s doing amazing.

Sign language not only helps me from trying to guess what he needs as if he were still an infant, but it also helps Eli with his tantrums and frustrations. When he’s crying he can tell me that he hit his head and just wants a kiss. When he yelling because he can’t get his toy open he brings it to me and signs “open”. If any of you haven’t already, teach your kids sign language, you don’t need to sign up for a class, just google certain signs and try it yourself!

I would love nothing more to hear my son speak the words “mommy” or “I love you” out loud to me, but having him sign them is just enough for now.

Signs Eli knows: Yes, No, More, Please, All Done, Help, Food, Hungry, Drink, Mama, Daddy, Go, Come, Thank you, Car, Video game, iPad, Sleep, Open, Close, Jump, I love you.

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The Best Offense is a Good Defense

Posted on by Mom Boss

When you realize your child has a delay/deficit, you will learn very quickly how many people are in your corner. Of course most of us will have our friends and family to help us out physically and emotionally; but there is also a million other people who will come in and make an impact on your child.

  1. Doctors- your child’s pediatrician can open many doors for you in terms of healthcare and therapies. Having a doctor you can trust and who can really listen to your concerns is one of the best relationships you can have for your child. My son’s developmental pediatrician is amazing; I never feel rushed and he listens to every question I have. He goes above and beyond for my son, getting us every therapy and every opportunity Eli deserves.
  1. Therapy/School recruiters- Once your child gets referrals for therapy or school based services you first talk to a recruiter/office staff to set up evaluations and meetings. Being nice to these people may mean more opportunities for your child. But always remember to be persistent! These people are extremely busy, especially in my location, and sometimes they need an extra nudge or phone call to get the ball rolling. We were on a time crunch to get an IEP done before we moved to California. Our team in Michigan got the whole thing done in about 30 days start to finish. It was amazing, everyone really understood how quickly we needed it done and stepped up for us. After we moved to California I reached out to the school district for a new IEP and I spoke with the Speech director for the special education program and she asked me to meet her the very next day! Reaching out to anyone and everyone you can is how your child will get all these services.
  1. Therapists- In my personal opinion, the therapists are the main relationship you need keep healthy, because they are in a child’s life more than some working parents are. My son currently gets 21 hours of therapy a week from 4 different therapists (we haven’t even started OT yet!) and I LOVE all of his therapists and they all LOVE Eli. You need to like and TRUST these people. If you don’t like a therapists or your child just doesn’t mesh well with them SPEAK UP!! There are no hard feelings; the therapists will just move on to another patient and you can get someone who works for your family. When my son was a year and a half we started speech back home in Michigan. This was before the diagnosis and our first time ever doing any type of therapy. Lisa came into our home and made us part of her family. She cared about Eli and she listened to every one of my questions, concerns, and stories. Even though we have moved across the country she still likes to hear updates on him, amazing!

Everyone in Eli’s life is teaching him something. We have a lot of people in our corner helping and guiding us through this process. Some are even just here to cheer him on. The bigger the support group, the brighter my son becomes.

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Patience of a Saint….yeah ok.

Posted on by Mom Boss

Children on the spectrum are a handful. From screaming all day, to tantrums, to sensory overloads, to not listening to a damn thing I’ve said all day. The person who stares at you in the store during one of your child’s meltdown is already annoyed of the screaming. Little do they know, its not a discipline issue, my child isn’t spoiled, my child is autistic and this is the 6th meltdown of the day. Especially during therapy, my child is a time bomb that gets detonated by the smallest of things. The simple phrase, “Let’s pick up the toys before we play with the iPad” will send him running and screaming.

To be a parent of a child like mine, you’d think I would be able to block these tantrums out; and for the most part I can. But there are definitely days were I’m ready to run down the street screaming. When my husband gets home from work I collapse on the couch under a blanket and hope Eli doesn’t find me. Sometimes you just have those days where you can’t skip over the tantrums, where you hear EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Today is one of those days. I usually just end my night with two or three glasses of wine and the tension melts away, unfortunately for me I’m on a diet and have no wine in the house. So I will just keep it in until bed then sleep it away.

One thing to always remember is TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY. Wake up feeling refreshed, forget about the bad day you just had, and look at today with a positive attitude. Yes, my child is a lot of work, but I wouldn’t trade him for any other child. Because behind those screams and tantrum is a boy with so much joy and laughter its infectious. He is the sweetest boy I’ve ever met. I just need to remember that when he’s driving me crazy.

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Embrace your feels

Posted on by Mom Boss

Are there certain things we should be feeling after a child gets a diagnosis? sadness? Anger? Fear? Whatever you feel is normal. My initial feeling was fear. Fear that my son will always be behind in life, that he will lose out on so many opportunities, that I did something that caused my son’s delay. I then got acceptance and moved forward with how we were going to get ahead of this autism business.

It doesn’t just end after the initial diagnosis. An ASD diagnosis is going to be a lifetime of ups and downs. I’m going to feel unbelievably excited when my son will finally call me “mommy”. I imagine that moment in my head almost every day. I will be happy when my son walks into his first day of Kindergarten. I will be so happy for my son when he gives me a handwritten letter for mothers day.

There will also be times where I will be so sad, for both my son and myself. About a month ago my son and I were at the park. He usually sticks to himself but when he sees a group of older kids he sometimes like to join in or copy what they do. He went up to a group of older boys and tried to join in but the boys ignored him (I really don’t even think they noticed he was there, not that they were being mean). Nonetheless Eli tried to join in and ran away thinking they were chasing him; he made it all the way across the jungle gym and down the slide before he realized the boys ran the other way and he was by himself. The rest of our time there Eli played by himself until I couldn’t take it anymore. I took him to our car where I sat and cried my eyes out for a good 20 minutes. I cried because my son doesn’t recognize that he is different yet, but one day he will. My heart was breaking for him in case he doesn’t catch up to the older kids and they tease him or ignore him. I cried because  I don’t want him to be lonely or teased.

After a child is diagnosed with a disability, delay, or anything it will be followed up with a lifetime of ups and downs. No matter what you feel is normal. Embrace your emotions and love the high moments and let the low moments float away with the past. Always try and look on the bright side of things